When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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