Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
