if i can run in heels then i can drive
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
two words...techno handjob
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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