how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
