he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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