Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
