You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Randomize
