My liver just broke up with me...
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
