So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
