My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
