God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
