ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Operation Purity has been aborted
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
