Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
well you can't waste a boner
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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