So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize
