Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Randomize
