So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize