I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Randomize
