So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Girls should come with a carfax report
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
