You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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