don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
