If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
