i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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