i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
She even gives head with a lisp.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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