No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
