I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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