apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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