I wish I only lived at night.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
