I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
