His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize