He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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