one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
