I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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