While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
