Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
