ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
last night I used snow as a chaser
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
