It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
