she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
