i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
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