Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
I wish you could order shots online.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
