I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
