we have officially lost it.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I intend to get homeless drunk
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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