Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
