Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
When are your genitals available?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
