I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
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