After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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