under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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