i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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