i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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