I'm jealous of your bromance
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
