omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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