The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
This is the high leading the old right now
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Randomize
