sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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