my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Randomize
