Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
