And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
