The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
