i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
