Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
this hospital has no fireball
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
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