i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
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