If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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