Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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