Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
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