Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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