Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize