I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
