I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
