I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
