Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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