Where did you get a picture of my penis
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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