I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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