Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
