I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize