you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
