you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
