did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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