I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
