Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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