Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
My vagina is officially offended.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
