my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
