Your mouth is God's brothel.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Randomize
