Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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